Limericks on... Only God Forgives (2013)

It’s called Only God Forgives,
A film in which nobody lives,
It was very boring,
I found myself snoring,
Even through murder with shivs.

Ryan Gosling’s face was stoic,
He acted all but heroic,
He stared for so long,
and his gaze was so strong,
That I felt rather Mesozoic.

It took place in Thailand, Bangkok,
Humans will soon be out of stock,
Because people get killed,
Lots of blood gets spilled,
And it’s hardly even a shock.

A Thai man sings some songs,
They go on for uncomfortably long,
It pretends to be art,
When it’s really a fart,
Creating a disgusting pong.

Only God Forgives is ass,
I implore you to give it a pass,
It’s slow and it’s plotless,
The writing was thoughtless,
It’s an utter, unparalleled farce.

Prisoners (2013) Movie Review

Director: Denis Villeneuve

Writer: Aaron Guzikowski

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhaal, Maria Bello

Prisoners is a crime drama telling the story of two girls who go missing in a seemingly safe neighbourhood. Jake Gyllenhaal plays the detective leading the case attempting to find the girls and Hugh Jackman is the father of one of the girls who will go to extreme lengths for reunion.

If there is anything of note to take away from this film is that is incredibly gripping. There are multiple sub-plots that all are tightly linked to the main story of the missing girls. In a lot of films, sub-plots are used to vary the pace but often the viewer doesn’t actually want to watch what happens in these sub-plots. In this, however, there is a not a scene that wasn’t powerfully intense and every scene contributed to the overall plot of the film.

There is a definite empathy that everyone could get from this film. Everyone has experienced some sort of loss and been pretty angry about it. If this thing that you had lost was a person who is biologically linked to you then it is surprisingly easy to see why characters do the things they do in this film. This is one of the standout strengths of the film. If looking at the film from a distance, it may seem akin to the Saw series; just a repetition of gratuitous violence. Some of the acts depicted in the film are clearly heinous but I warrant different people would give very different opinions on these acts. The circumstances don’t make the characters seem like awful people but they also don’t make the things they do the obvious solution. That was impressive and squeezed every bit of emotion and tension out of the script.

The score used in the film is also incredible. It’s diverse, being used during scenes of varying moods and tensions, as well as amplifying, sending a normal scene into the realms of gut wrenching desire for the protagonists the succeed. The sound of the score really mirrors the film at large. If you were to play The Candlelight Vigil over shots of the film, not only would have an excellent trailer but that trailer would tell me the exact mood of the film. Sometimes you don’t even notice that the score has leaked into the scene that you are watching. This speaks to the intoxicating gripping power the film possesses and the understated nature of the score.

The one thing that I disliked about the film was the rather forced tropes of detective films that were in there. There had to be a twist antagonist and while I wasn’t even close to seeing the true villain coming, it was so unbelievable that it rather takes you out of the film. Also, the film alludes to a far greater plot that ultimately doesn’t appear. If I was going to complain about any part of the film it would be that the ending was rather lacklustre.

To end, I would like to type a little about the title of the film. Prisoners could be taken literally as there are, expectedly, prisoners. I feel that a lot of the characters were prisoners in a more figurative sense. Gyllenhaal’s character is prisoner to his captain, Jackman is prisoner to his grief and your attention is prisoner to this film.

Prisoners receives an: 8/10

Inside Llewyn Davis (2013) Movie Review

Director: Ethan Coen, Joel Coen

Writers: Ethan Coen, Joel Coen

Starring: Oscar Isaac, Justin Timberlake, Carey Mulligan

This is the first Coen Brothers film I have watched since the Big Lebowski (which was fantastic) and it is easily the best film I have seen in a non-controversial amount of time.

Oscar Isaac plays the fictional folk singer Llewyn Davis trying to make something of his non-existent career.

There is a great calling card of Coen Brothers films that is giving every person with lines tons of character. Some characters are on screen for less than ten minutes and bear very little fruit in terms of story but they leave a clear imprint in your memory (and mine too).

It seems unnecessary to say that in a film about a folk singer, a good soundtrack is very important. It was a great choice to get T-Bone Burnett to do the soundtrack not for any affinity to the genre but because he seems to be able to do no wrong. Recently he keeps popping up in things that have notably fantastic and memorable soundtracks.  He was a large part of the music in True Detective and he was the musical archivist for the Big Lebowski. He also won an Oscar and has been nominated for over thirty other awards. If you were to omit Hans Zimmer and John Williams, Burnett would have the most acclaim among composers. All the songs were brilliantly written. Some songs are purposefully contrived and there are subtly changing reprises throughout. While doing this they still manage to all be enjoyable to listen to. It’s a difficult amalgamation of criteria to meet but Burnett managed it.

Not only were the songs crafted expertly but also Oscar Isaac pops out as an outstandingly believable folk singer. All the songs in the film were performed live which is an impressive step from the status quo. There is a reason why most film add in song audio after the fact but this film retains it’s aural authenticity by taking a dangerous risk.

The music is certainly not the only notable aspect of the film. The story and characters are hugely compelling. You see the singer bounce around from couch to couch as he tries to reach show business escape velocity. Between scenes there are sporadically edited transitions highlighting Llewyn’s dire and ever-changing routine. Although as a character he is pretty much scum, you feel sympathy for him as he is struggling to escape the snowy streets.

This is one of the most relaxed films I have seen. Many screenwriters strive for tension and conflict whereas this film seems to stray from it. The film rather feels like a folk song in its pace and how people react to Llewyn’s actions. It is endlessly enjoyable, sounds fantastic and is acted incredibly. I could not recommend this more.

Inside Llewyn Davis receives a: 9/10

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The Internship (2013) Movie Review

Director: Shawn Levy

Writers: Vince Vaughn, Jared Stern

Starring: Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Max Minghella

This film is honestly rather infuriating. Imagine an advert for Google before a YouTube video except you can’t skip this advert and the video is the rest of your life. The film is completely pointless and it makes me want to jam my palm so far into my face, it creates a singularity.

Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn have lost their jobs and so decide to attempt to get a job at Google through an internship. Stupidity and laughing at naivety ensues.

In terms of the things that I enjoyed in this movie, they are pretty scarce. Easily the best part of the film is Wilson and Vaughn. They are the only competent comedians given any reasonable screen time. They play salesmen and watching them suck up to their clients is really entertaining and probably the closest thing to original in the entire film.

That’s about it. I can’t really think of anything that impressed me in this film. The characters made my skin crawl. The film’s antagonist is some random English super-sized hate machine. I can’t even describe how poorly some of his lines were delivered. They weren’t bland lines, they had wings but Max Minghella just shot them down like the stereotypical Englishman he is. At one point he says something to do with discrimination based upon how people look with a pretty funny line but somehow it wasn’t funny. I am unsure how he even did it.

This film’s existence helps me realise my annoyance with a lot of supercilious filmgoers these days. You can’t live for very long without someone with extreme self-importance complaining about how formulaic superhero films are. This is easily one of the most remade movies of all time. Two men are put into a foreign situation. You only need to look to 21 Jump Street, 22 Jump Street, Wedding Crashers, Grown Ups (you have twice the men then), Jack and Jill or That’s My Boy. For someone to be upset to the point of mentioning the rehashing of superhero films and to not notice this formula’s consistently underwhelming writing is a crime. If you didn’t understand that paragraph… THIS FILM DOES NOTHING NEW!!!

Wilson and Vaughn provide some decent moments of comic relief during a task akin to breaking ones own cheekbone with a small hammer and then dying. I cringed at how unbelievable their stupidity was and I felt more hatred towards the antagonist’s actor than their character.

The Internship receives a: 4/10

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Man Of Steel (2013) Movie Review

Director: Zack Snyder

Writers: David S. Goyer, Christopher Nolan

Starring: Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Michael Shannon

When I first saw the trailer for Man of Steel, I was excited to see another DC movie with Christopher Nolan working on it after the Dark Knight. A lot of people really enjoyed the movie many hated it. While it isn’t the worst movie I have ever seen, I heavily disliked it.

One issue the movie has is

that it’s apparent that DC only wants to reboot Superman because of the success that Marvel has had with their cinematic universe. I didn’t see the need for another Superman lineage at the moment since the character is pretty much the least interesting thing that has ever existed. By the end of the movie, that opinion wasn’t changed at all.

The first half of the movie had some enjoyable scenes. For instance, the one where he crucifies a truck was moderately funny. The problem here is that many of the scenes were unnecessary. In one bewilderingly short scene, Kal-el saves some people from a burning… oil rig. You could say that this was showing the audience what he is capable of but he doesn’t really do much. He basically grabs onto a massive pole and doesn’t catch on fire. Scenes like this are peppered about the movie. Laurence Fishburne’s boring version of J. Jonah Jameson is in about two scenes and contributes far less than Laurence Fishburne should. (On top of this he has no character at all.)

Omitting the first scene on Krypton, the film is rather subdued until the third act when the action gets cranked up to twelve. Phantom Drives get put over Metropolis, World Engines start terraforming for some reason and I’m pretty sure there was a Genesis Chamber somewhere in the mix. It’s actually incredible that they did the whole ‘Zod’s going to laser some random people’ moment because he had clearly already murdered countless extras. When the people start flying, nothing matters and nothing makes any sense and I lost interest.

The movie tries to reboot Superman in a gritty and Christopher Nolan way than it’s spandex predecessors. It definitely succeeds in that but leaves that viewer with a load and nonsensical shell of a movie. Any early enjoyment I found was negated by the disinteresting final third.

Recommendation Status: Not worth watching at all.

Please feel free to leave a comment on either the movie or the review. Say if you liked or disliked the movie. I'm interested to find out what you think!